grandma shit on top of the toilet
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I touched a dick in church today
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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