So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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