I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
