Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
