I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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