my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
