just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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