I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize