dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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