What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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