I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize