Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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