yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i am craving dick and cupcakes
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
