Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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