Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
