are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
