i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
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