i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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