Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
