there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
