I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
