The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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