Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I deserve this hangover.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize