All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
