I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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