just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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