nut hugger
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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