After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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