Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize