It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
