I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize