nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
