I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
