have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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