Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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