my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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