Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
