3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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