When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Pants are for mortals
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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