He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
