Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
