i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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