i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
