She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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