What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
They took my balls.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
