Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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