just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
