I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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