i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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