i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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