a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just gift wrapped bread.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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