the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize