My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
how do flat chested girls get laid?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
