How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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