My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
