im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
