I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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