I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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