I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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