My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
